The Terrible Two
by Joelle Hart
Summary: Fluff. Hellboy and Liz share a... somewhat... as much as might be expected... quiet evening with their two-year-old twins. Falls within the timeline of my fic "After the Fairytale", but can stand alone.


A moment after Liz's key turned in the lock of her family's secluded house, she heard a familiar sound; an approaching fumbling rumble, a frantic stamping of feet and hooves that made her think, if briefly, of a Spanish running of the bulls.

As the door opened, she heard her son's voice before she saw him.

"Mommy! We're naked!" he squealed in his tiny voice.

The twins were dressed only in white cotton underpants. They danced in place on the carpet of the foyer, the audacity of their joke forcing giggles from one and then the other, eager faces watching Liz from below her waist-level.

Thinking that they probably expected more of a reaction from her than her single sardonically raised eyebrow, she opened her mouth in mock horror and placed a hand to her chest.

Screaming with glee, Trevor and Katie beat a wild pagan dance around their mother, passing a chant back and forth between them in increasingly shrill voices, "Naked! Naked!"

Liz's husband's voice drifted out from the living room, fatigue evident even from down the hall. "Geez Louise, you two. Can you let your Ma get in the door?"

The twins dashed into the living room and out of sight. Liz followed them, a small smile quirking the corner of her mouth.

Hellboy was standing in the living room surrounded by a riot of scattered toys and books, a small yellow shirt and a blue skirt in his hand, a small green shirt and pair of khaki pants crumpled at his feet, and a slightly dazed expression on his face.

Liz crossed her arms, tilted her head, and turned the full force of her sardonic expression on him.

In response, he collapsed. It was like watching the side of a hill fall into an avalanche: one moment he was standing solidly, the next his shoulders were sloping unevenly and one knee was beginning to buckle, and in a few slow seconds he was laid out flat on his back. Only the twitching tip of his tail gave away how amused he was with his performance.

Seeing her father supine, Katie squeaked with delight and threw herself heavily across his chest, forcing a startled grunt out of him.

Liz walked over to their large, thickly cushioned couch and sank into it gratefully. Trevor looked at her adoringly with his large gray eyes and clambered onto her lap. She put her arms around him and sighed. She had to admit that seeing her cart-ox of a husband look so exhausted made her own after-work tiredness seem a lot more bearable. "Long day?" she asked.

Katie put her hands against Hellboy's voicebox and laughed when it vibrated under her hands. His voice squeezed out in a hoarse deep monotone. "You could say that." He peeled Katie's hands gently off his throat.

"So, what did you do today?" asked Liz.

"What didn't we do today?" replied Hellboy, heavily emphasizing the 'didn't'. "Tell her, guys."

There was resounding silence from the children. He prompted them.

"Did we read a book about Muppets?"

"Yeees," they answered in chorus.

"Did we play with blocks?"

"Yeees."

"Did we draw pictures?"

"Yeees."

"Did we play outside?"

"Yeees."

"Did we slam Daddy's tail in the door when we were coming inside?"

Giggles from both of them. "Yeees."

"Did we learn a new word?"

A moment of silence. Then a resounding, "Nooo."

"Good kids," he chuckled. "Here, have a cookie." He held up his empty left hand toward Katie, thumb pinched against fingers. "They're imaginary cookies. Give one to your brother."

Katie mimed taking an object from his hand, her own hands curled as if holding something much larger than the object Hellboy had pretended was in his hand. She looked down at her hands, then at Trevor, then back at her hands. A sly grin spread over her face.

"I eat them both!" she said with wicked relish.

"Eat them," said Trevor haughtily, "there's dirt in them."

Katie looked at her empty hands again with an expression of dawning horror. She thrust them at Hellboy's face. "There's dirt!"

Hellboy kept a completely straight face as he answered. "Naw, that's… that's cinnamon."

"They're duuur-deee," she sang. "You eat them!"

She pushed her hands against his mouth. He caught her fingers lightly between his lips. She shrieked and clutched her hands to her chest.

"I dunno," he said thoughtfully, "I don't taste any dirt. These cookies taste kind of like fingers."

Katie laughed and squirmed with amusement on her perch on his chest. He grunted again, painfully. "Hey, Katiebug, your hoof's in Daddy's spleen. How about you go sit on your mother?"

Katie nodded agreeably and, digging her knees into his abdomen one last time, rolled onto the floor and ran to her mother. She squeezed herself under Liz's arm and made herself comfortable. Trevor, realizing that his mother's lap was a lot less roomy than his father's, found himself with only an inch of his thigh remaining on Liz's lap, and the rest of him forced out onto the couch. After glaring at Katie, who ignored him, he marched to Hellboy's supine body, straight-backed and projecting an attitude of deep dignity despite the fact that he was wearing only underpants. He sat against his father's side, folding his arms over Hellboy's chest.

"Ah hey, I almost forgot a very important thing that happened today," Hellboy said, pulling Trevor into his lap and sitting up. "You will be pleased to know," and his voice took on a tone of laudatory announcement, "that Trevor is a very big boy who can use the potty all by himself."

"That's great!" exclaimed Liz. Not that Hellboy had made her change an overly large number of diapers, but it was a relief to know that even the potential to be asked was gone. Trevor glowed with pride.

"How about Katie?" Liz asked.

Hellboy paused. "Yeah… almost there. We're still working on that."

Katie, realizing the subject of the conversation, looked full into Liz's face with a deeply serious expression. "I didn't mean to," she said contritely, "the pee just came out."

"Oh… better luck next time," Liz said automatically. Hearing the words as they were coming out of her mouth, she made a grimace of bewilderment and looked at her husband, silently asking him whether her response was appropriate, or simply made her sound like a huge idiot. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged, silently saying, 'your guess is as good as mine'.

"Wait just a second here," Liz said to him, drily. "You're telling me that Katie is not potty-trained. She's wearing, um, big-girl panties. And you just told her to sit on me."

"Yep," he answered.

Liz sighed. "And I thought quitting the Bureau would reduce the amount of risk in my life."

"Yeah. Every day is just full of suspense."

Liz rolled her eyes and smiled.

Sensing that she was the subject of a conversation that was being directed past her, Katie wiggled off Liz's lap, ran across the room, and crawled into Hellboy's lap. Once again finding himself suddenly crowded, Trevor put on an expression of longsuffering and made his way back to Liz.

Liz helped him back onto the couch. "Anything else happen today of equal or greater excitement?" she asked Hellboy.

"We learned something from the Muppets book."

"Oh?"

"Hey Trevor," called Hellboy, "what did we learn about monsters today, in the book?"

"The ones in the book are fuzzy," came Trevor's reply, muffled against Liz's shoulder.

"And?"

Not to be outdone, Katie interrupted. "And some of them have horns like Daddy and Trevor! But none has hooves like me and Daddy, 'cause we're the most special of all."

"And?" Hellboy prompted again, squeezing Katie's shoulder but ignoring her comment.

Katie interrupted again. "And their noses go beep when you squeeze them. And Daddy's does too."

Liz raised her eyebrows again. "Is that so?"

"And?" prompted Hellboy, a note of impatience sneaking into his voice.

Trevor managed to beat Katie to the answer. "And Daddy's not fuzzy. And that's because all of monsters are different."

"And people…?"

"And all of people are different too."

Hellboy nodded proudly. "You got it."

Katie pinched him lightly on the chin. "Daddy's face is a little fuzzy," she said, matter-of-fact.

"We talked about this too!" Hellboy said with enthusiasm. "Remember? Trevor can have a fuzzy face when he grows up too if he wants, and that's because he's a….?"

There was a pause. "… monster?" Trevor ventured.

"Uhn-uh", Hellboy admonished.

"It's 'cause he's a boy!" Katie exclaimed. Hellboy nodded at her, and she settled back into his arms with an expression of deep satisfaction.

Hellboy looked up at Liz. "We were looking at Muppets, trying to point out which ones were girls and which ones were boys, and which ones were kids and which ones were grown-ups. Let me tell you, it is a job and a half." He leaned forward and spoke in a stage whisper. "I think Beaker is a girl."

Liz also leaned forward and matched his whisper. "I always thought Miss Piggy was a T, R, A, S… um, V.. no, wait…" She scowled.

Hellboy laughed gently. "Babe, you're beat. We'd better all get to bed. Let me tell you, these two have kept us all on our feet all day today. I tried putting them down for their nap, but as soon as Katie'd fall asleep Trevor would wake her right up, and then Trevor'd fall asleep and Katie'd start making a ruckus. It's a wonder they haven't crashed yet. "

He turned Katie's face towards him. "Time for bed, Bug, or somebody's gonna get real grumpy. You know who that is?"

"Trevor," she giggled.

"No. It's me!" he growled playfully at her.

"No! It's me!" she shrieked wildly, and tried to sink her teeth into his bicep.

He sat up straight in a rush, pulling her away. "Whoa, WHOA. Biting is not okay."

Her face crumbled. Her lower lip pushed out and she sniffed pitifully. Tears sprang to her eyes.

Hellboy stood, cradling her and making soft noises of comfort. "There now. That's it. Somebody is way too tired for their own good."

"It's Daddy," she sniffled.

"No. It's Katie," he said tenderly, and kissed her gently on the side of the forehead.

"Ooh! Your whiskers tickled my EYE!" she wailed, but her head was sinking onto his chest.

Liz stroked Trevor's head. She could tell from the way his breath was slowing that he was already falling asleep. She got a better grip on him and stood up.

Hellboy spoke quietly. "I gotta get diapers on them for overnight. You wanna help me put these monsters to bed?"

"Sure," Liz answered. Shifting Trevor's limp body in her arms, she leaned in to give her partner a kiss. The two of them walked to the twins' bedroom together.


End file.
